What do you do when you see the person who broke your heart, sitting at the table next to yours in a restaurant? Cool as ever over cheese fondue.
You:
a. Hide.
b. Scoot.
c. Walk over ultra-cool and strike up a conversation.
d. Pretend that they don’t exist (and hope they do the same).
Frantic thinking. You can’t do a. since they’ve spotted you already and are trying to figure out if you really are who they think. Hence b. is ruled out as well…besides you’d have to pass them when you walked out, thus giving a perfect view to confirm what they’re thinking.
You wonder if you could pull off c. but your feet refuse to move and you desist out of fear of doing something incredibly unpardonable like stammering, blushing furiously - or worst of all - starting to cry, right into that silly cheese fondue. And you suddenly know that you can never meet their eyes because just locking gazes with them will make the tears start….all of those that have been blotted away, disciplined away with years of defense mechanisms….will all start once they look at you. Why is it that you’re the one being embarrassed over what happened and unable to meet the gaze of the one that performed the heinous crime of breaking your heart?
Is it love if years later, one person still has the ability to make you cry or quiver in your shoes, simply by existing a few feet away? In an instant all the years of experience fall away. The person you’ve built yourself to be…to be proud of….strong, intelligent, popular, successful, confident….all of a sudden vaporizes before your eyes. And once again you’re back to where you were years ago….feeling small, unloveable, weak and helpless.
Some wounds just refuse to heal, even with time. Distance may prove to be some balm but when that’s gone, you’re back to bleeding. Back to bewildered, hurt, confused, scared. Back to wondering whether the years in between were just a figment of your own imagination and learning to live and laugh and love again was just a dream. Back to the horrific moment, breath stuck in your throat, forgetting how to be happy, forgetting about anything mattering at all, forgetting how to live a half-life like you’re still you but with some vital organs missing.
Then somehow, slowly you breathe…finally. You remember how to, this time. Life, one breath at a time. Love, one moment at a time. Cheese fondue in time too. And when you finally get up, the table next to you is empty.
That’s it, the trick is…to….just…keep… breathing.
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Posted in Spectator | Comments (22)
May 31st, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Yeah but who knows whether the person isn’t thinking the same?
June 1st, 2007 at 10:13 am
‘Why is it that you’re the one being embarrassed over what happened and unable to meet the gaze of the one that performed the heinous crime of breaking your heart?’ Has been a million dollar question in my life….they say time heals, but at such moments, all the time that has passed since the emotional holocaust seems mere a fraction of second and we are back to where we were left! I always wish we would have had some mechanism to know what the other person is thinking at that moment…I’ll bet my life-time salary on it
June 1st, 2007 at 3:58 pm
erm… Maybe we’re built differently, but My options would be:
a: Hide & scoot
b: Curiosity getting the better of me, go up and ask how he’s been, and flaunt my wellness in his face (look whatcha aint never gonna get, you loser!)
c: Look, smile, and continue with fondue, and be a scintilating conversationalist, so he’s the one who comes up and strikes a conversation.
June 1st, 2007 at 4:28 pm
I’d probably muster courage to strike up a conversation outside while my inside will burn and carve in.
June 2nd, 2007 at 1:13 am
I think it IS love. Never thought I’d be on the other side of the fence to be saying this, but yeah it is.
June 3rd, 2007 at 12:13 am
Yeah, I would go and eat Sense’s cheese fondue! (In reality, I hate cheese fondue. Yuck!)
June 3rd, 2007 at 11:26 am
Ignore him. Peon. Let him eat his cheese like the lowly peasant he is. If he’s lucky, one day you might deign to glance his way. And on that day, you will meet his eye and think, “whose’s that poor, bloated fellow?”
June 3rd, 2007 at 4:53 pm
@ DC: In this case, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t.
@ Ashish: Actually I don’t even want to know anymore. I don’t want to remember that he exists.
@ Sense: Nope, you wouldn’t. Not in this situation. You do know who I’m talking about, don’t you?
@ Shreyasi: This isn’t one of those times or people, trust me.
@ Deepika: Then it’s the kind of love that’s a dirty four-letter word.
@ Brad: And I’d dunk your face into the cheese fondue (especially if you don’t bring me chocolates!!!!!)
@ JulieLuongo: Actually he was pretty chubby even when I last knew him.
June 3rd, 2007 at 9:03 pm
*shudder* *shiver*
WHO are you? Are you me? Do you live in my mind or did you once take a grand tour of my mind? You’re the ONLY blogger who’s been far too close, far too many times. No wonder then, I HAD to comment. Its not just “Encounter” or “Love Actually”, you know. All of your posts. Think I shud pay you to write my blog too - you’d do an infinitely better job of it, provided you didn’t SCARE me away first
Me…I was dying silly to go over and talk. But luckily there wasn’t any cheese fondue (read temptation) in sight /)
p.s. he was chubby too… *wail* Why do I think we might be alter egos or doppelgangers or whatchamacallits
Defense mechanisms depend on distance, I feel.
June 3rd, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Well my options would have been:
1) eat
2) eat
3) eat
4) eat
sparing a “dekho” (or even a thot) for some weirdo (read loser and more) during my meals??? not worth it.
My (unsolicited) advice wud be, get going, njoi yur meal (n maybe some tiramisu to top it all). Burp!!
June 4th, 2007 at 10:21 am
@ Tupur: Hmm, actually talking to a friend at that moment helped. And yes, there was some good food around too.
June 4th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
You said it lady! Some things jus never fade away…
June 4th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
hmmmm… is this how it goes? I guess it must be, because so many people identify with what you’ve written.
I on the other hand am great friends with everyone I’ve ever gone out with, so the only thing I would do is go over & give/get a great bid hug. Friendship simplifies things somehow. Just my op though.
June 6th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
@ Melody: I’m not surprised. But then we are different.
June 9th, 2007 at 1:00 am
Distance is such a double edged sword isnt it? When its there, it hurts like hell. When its gone it reopens old wounds. Maybe time follows the same principle. and the entire theory of time being a healer just sucks….
July 5th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Well this happened with me once, what i still do not know is …. does the love of another woman/man cures this chronic condition … or will the deep crush/love haunt someone forever inspite of what has happened after that
October 13th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
[…] response I mailed her this. And this post is for her…and the women who’ve felt this (and umm..some men […]
October 28th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
brilliant stuff….
the trick that works for me is to think what the poor sod missed by missing out on me and then mentally showing him the finger in my head (basically summoning up all the defence mechanisms you can ever find).
yeah… still there is a chance that might not work…
some people are like that. Damn.
October 30th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
@ greekalphabet: Ah, you know how it is…some things are better written about than experienced.
November 1st, 2007 at 10:56 pm
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