That patch of yellow in the corner isn’t an indication of autumn (Do we get that in Mumbai?).

The minute the street-lamp is turned on in the early evening, and just for the short while that there’s evening light, the tree looks like it’s blushing yellow. Is that too poetic for a deserted side-road in a crowded Mumbai suburb? We make do with what we get. And inspiration lives on.

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Be careful how deeply you look into people. The most negative emotions run skin-deep. As you get under their skin, you start to meet their motivations, their desires and their shortcomings. You should probably stop right there. Because any deeper and you come face to face with their fears, their anguish, their weakness…and worst of all, their dreams before they were broken. It’s really hard to get that close to a person’s dreams and not want to make them come true for them.

You’re lost after that. Not ever able to push them out of your mind or your heart, even if you do get them out of your life. Love may be a good thing but too much of it can destroy you. In delving deep into people, you lose sight of yourself. But finally, you’ve got to live in your own body, bearing your own emotions and living within the boundaries of your own life. Who knows then, whether there is really anyone else who will delve into you as deeply as you have into others? There aren’t any knights in shining armor and no one’s going to follow you into the murky depths of other people’s lives to save you. Or even if they want to…they can’t. Not everyone was born to be a deep sea diver…or a deep soul diver, as the case may be.

Be careful how far you go. Much evil lurks in the hearts of people in the form of the sweet poison of love that dulls your defenses. You’re on your own after that.

5 Comments

• At November 19, 2008, Saul wrote:

  There are people who would want to follow you into the murky depths of other people’s lives to save you

  Love may be a good thing but too much of it can destroy you but now "us".That is the difference when it is love and there is "us" it works smoothly but when there is a "me" and there is a "you" i agree it can ...

  There aren’t any knights in shining armor agreed "but" there are people would be would willing to follow you into the murky depths of other people’s lives to save you.But do you want them to follow you there?layers of distrust and city life makes us no let anyone beyond the second layer(though again when there is love those shield are brought down).

  I am happy your posts seems to have a lot of retrospection.

• At November 19, 2008, Rk wrote:

  Damn! Why did I feel like you were telling me ? And why do I feel like, why could you not tell an year ago..

• At November 19, 2008, Rk wrote:

  It’s really hard to get that close to a person’s dreams and not want to make them come true for them.

  Who knows then, whether there is really anyone else who will delve into you as deeply as you have into others?

  Amen. Adding, who knows, whether you will dare to delve into someone else again, ever.

• At November 19, 2008, Rakhi wrote:

  And then there are some others who know that peril is the key. The very thought of being in danger yet knowing that if need be, one can make it out alive may lead to the plunge. But what one must always remember is that unless someone helps oneself, no angel on earth or in heaven can help him/her.

• At November 19, 2008, Ashish wrote:

  Crash n Learn :mrgreen: is the way i learned it!!

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On Facebook while I wait for E Vestigio to turn up for our Sunday evening catch-up/gripe/giggle dinner-date. Clearing out pending messages, updated status (blah, I’m running out of exciting things to claim I’m doing) and even looked into Twitter. And now this idle mind turns to mischief. So I use the Friend Finder to look up people I haven’t heard from in awhile (read: ex-crushes).

One I admit I’ve checked on earlier isn’t showing up anymore. Odd, did his wife realize he was hitting on his ex-girlfriends online? Muhahaha…I certainly hope the water was scalding hot.

The HUMONGOUS crush from school has turned humongous. No kidding, he looks like he’s pushing 50, not 30. Yeurrgh, the receding hairline does nothing for the rather sweet memories one has. Oh err, thank goodness for bad luck in romance back then.

I pause on one particular name, a common one coupled with a generic surname and imagine he’ll be lost in a flood of other namesakes. Oddly enough he’s the third one on the list, head-to-head with a girl in the profile pic. Wife. Smiling. Surprising myself, I smile back. He was nice. And I’m glad he’s happy.

Which made me think…how seriously we take life, the life of the moment only, little realizing how little it could matter a few months or years later. I don’t know if I’m getting mellower with age or whether my memories are just fading but somehow I don’t feel the same intensity for people who were supposed soulmates at one point of time. Hell, I don’t even know where some of them are, less care. Not in a bad way though. If I think about it, I generally hope they’re doing good and are happy.

Peace reigns over the past after time has passed its magic healing touch over everyone. And guess what? Another simile.

Falling in love is like getting into the water. Some people enjoy jumping in splash-dunk. Some have to be dragged in screaming and squirming. Sometimes you just slip or trip and fall in. But really, I think the best way is to just dip your feet in, let the water swirl around your edges and wade around a bit in it. What matter then if the water rises, bit by bit, without a splash, without a chill but in a smooth comforting blanket all around?

I’ve tipped my toes in and I think I’ll just walk about on the beach with wet feet for a bit.

3 Comments

• At November 16, 2008, Rakhi wrote:

  what a winning concluding line!! :)

• At November 17, 2008, meetu wrote:

  what a brilliant, warm simile

  meetus last idea: Dasvidaniya - Review

• At November 17, 2008, anoop wrote:

  i came in search of the source of the "falling in love..." quote. wonderful!

  -sorry for duplicate comment, but it seems i messed up the prev one-

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Emotional scars are like those stubborn stains that water can’t erase.

Try acid.

3 Comments

• At November 17, 2008, Australopithecus wrote:

  what about a host of organic solvents..

  they may cause cancer but they are "organic"

  Australopithecuss last idea:

• At November 17, 2008, Rambler wrote:

  hmm how about trying some more emotions..like the old saying about pricks

  Ramblers last idea: A stranger, welcomed.

• At November 17, 2008, Ashish wrote:

  Touche Lady!!!

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Sensitivity is the permission you give yourself to feel.

No more, no less.

Not how much you feel about other people.
Not how much you feel about yourself.
Not how many tears you shed.
Not even how much you feel.

Simply how much you allow yourself to.

To illustrate, a poem from long ago when I was still into rhyming and used to scribble in pages torn from notebooks. Who do you suppose is being referred to here?

Sensitivity

In the midst of the masses, I see a face
Devoid of all charm and social grace
Nothing different about her, except for her eyes
Eyes that are serene, thoughtful and wise
Eyes that speak a thousand things without saying a word
Ideas and thoughts that are never hear
that tell of turmoil beneath the surface calm, that is the face we see
Feelings running deep, wild dreams that were never meant to be
Her eyes see everything,
yet love without judging
Respect every human being’s right to be
Understanding that each of us longs to be free
Eyes that cry without shedding a tear
that feel immense pain, but no fear
A heart bleeds for a world gone all wrong
where every lullaby hummed, is a grave-digger’s song
Eyes that shine with a strange, magical light
like the serene moon on a dark night
misted over in the memory of some unknown music that only she can hear
Lost in a faraway land, and yet she’s near
She blinks; the moment is gone
Nothing changes, life goes on
My words are lost in a babble of voice - harsh and loud
She’s gone - just another face in the crowd

3 Comments

• At November 13, 2008, Rakhi wrote:

  True, but does this mean insensitivity is 'being strong'? That 'strength' is a much abused justification methinks.

• At November 13, 2008, Pratik wrote:

  nice poem

• At November 19, 2008, Ranjan wrote:

  were u referring to Virgin Mary when u wrote that poem? Just guessing!

  Ranjans last idea: CommentLuv needs updating on this site. Please download the latest version and install it on your site. This message will apear during the first 10 minutes of each hour. This remote script will cease returning posts in 7 days

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No one is an island.

2 Comments

• At November 11, 2008, Rakhi wrote:

  I liked the previous one better. :(

• At November 13, 2008, Which main? What cross? wrote:

  nice. and in mumbai, surrounded by a sea of people

  Which main? What cross?s last idea: Double Rd., Dollar's Colony + Kumara Krupa Rd.

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Tell me what it’s like.

she says.

Does it get better with time?

I pause and wonder what to say.

Can I give her an honest answer?

That it won’t..in some ways.

That heartbreak hurts as much at 30 as it does at 20.

That you never quite get used to the pain of letting go, no matter how often you’ve done it….though you might learn the lesson of numbness.

That love and cheating and tenderness and passion will continue to turn up unanticipated…and unwelcome, no matter how clear your vision stays.

That eventually dreams will become the last survival tactic for those who don’t have God or Family or FairyTales anymore.

No, I decide, I can’t tell her all of that. I can’t paint the next decade in a pall of gloom before it’s even arrived.

So I take a deep breath and say instead…

What does change is all the things in your head.

With the pain, there will be the aspirin of reality,
a little snapshot of the last time that grows clearer with time,
the knowledge that you survived that and so this you will too.

With time, other people’s opinions
will start to matter less than your own
or at least you’ll be able to pick and choose what you want to believe.

And if you’re smart…and I know you are,
you’ll have a Plan B or at the very least…an exit route.

So I end without lies, telling her the truth…but perhaps not all of it.

And I wish there were some lessons one didn’t need to learn.

—————————————–

*Dedicated to a very young and wonderful friend who asked the question. I hope she’s reading…or perhaps I hope she isn’t.

5 Comments

• At November 11, 2008, Dreamcatcher wrote:

  I don't know if time helps or hope diminishes, or anything changes, but what does change perhaps is the fact that you know that you've been through worse, and so this will pass. Soemday.

  This was a wonderful post, I can't elucidate why it touched me or how, but it did.

  Dreamcatchers last idea:

• At November 11, 2008, A Cynic in Wonderland wrote:

  I hope she is not reading it. life is difficult enough without lowering one's expectations.

  A Cynic in Wonderlands last idea: Udipi Ode

• At November 12, 2008, shub wrote:

  Echoing DC's comment. Lovely, that line in particular. In some ways it does get a little better. Or perhaps experience helps us deal better.

  shubs last idea: Serendipity...

• At November 12, 2008, Ms Taggart wrote:

  Yes, I also hope she is not reading it. Sometimes its better to think this way!

  You put it down very very neatly to her!

  I guess, with age and experience, one turns into a cynic!

  Ms Taggarts last idea: End of an era...

• At November 13, 2008, FullMoonOnearth wrote:

  "With time, other people’s opinions

  will start to matter Less than Your Own"

  Couldn't agree more.

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Lunch at the cafe, alone. At long last. My thoughts and I dine together.

The host wants me to sit in any one of the dingy corners and ignore the brighter, roomier booths in the center. I make a wry face so he concedes and lets me take the bright corner. The cafe isn’t even crowded after all.

They enter some five minutes after I’ve settled down, by which time I’ve placed my order and am sipping my wine. I notice him first. All I see is the back of their heads and a profile view in a flash.

He looks familiar…for a vague instant. In that not so nice way that makes you glad you spotted the person first and hope they don’t notice you back. He probably looks a little like the friend of someone I want to forget. That’s still too close for comfort but not so close that I want to scat. She’s totally unfamiliar in a familiar way. That is to say, she’s the typical nice-looking, a tad too ‘healthy’ to be one of the stick-insect-model-types. An Indian woman. A pretty Indian woman.

What strikes me is their clothes. Ah, his clothes. He’s wearing a mildly striped full-sleeved shirt with cotton trousers. It’s not quite formal enough to be workwear but it seems a little too dressy for Saturday. Unless, ah of course. One of those dates that he feels he must dress up a bit for. Still dude, it’s just nearing 2pm, that shirt is Saturday evening territory we’re meandering into.

For awhile I wonder what it would like if I were his ex- and he were to spot me. The carefully coiffed look would probably shatter in an instant. He’s really trying very hard to be on his best behaviour and impress the girl with him. And what if he were to bump into someone he didn’t treat that good, who knew him well…only too well…underneath that polish.

But he’s nervous. His hands aren’t quite shaking but there’s that high-strung air of tension surrounding his being and I can feel it sitting 30 feet away. Like when she takes a call on her cell, he turns his face away in an attempt to appear polite and respect her privacy. But he’s fidgety and the minute she hangs up, I can almost see him counting his breaths before he can turn around and resume conversation.

His smiles and laughter seem a little too eager. Not quite offensive but just like he’s relieved to be able to laugh off some of the tension. She, on the other hand, is natural. Smiling just enough, movements easy. Almost. Her gaze wanders ever so slightly in each direction. Sizing up. The surroundings, the people around, the arena. She’s playing and she’s just taking stock of the field.

That taken care of, my attention returns to him. It’s not that she’s uninteresting, she’s just ‘figured out’. Besides his nervousness draws me again. And I wonder what makes him so nervous. He obviously wants her to like him. Why?

Is it because he likes her as much? What does he want from her? Reciprocation of affection? A night or a weekend in bed? Respect? A month or so as trophy girlfriend? Awe and devotion?

My chicken satay is here and my glass needs a refill. I set to devouring my solitary, perfect lunch and put aside the messy questions of people for awhile. When I look up again, their orders have arrived and they’re waiting for the waiter to finish serving. Then they wish each other Bon Appetit and start eating. I walk out, content with a good meal and some foodside realtime entertainment.

10 Comments

• At November 6, 2008, Sumant wrote:

  Ah. Not a real comment, but it's not much use to have a comment box in your feed if the feed is only a snippet. :(

  Sumants last blog post..While We Were Out

• At November 7, 2008, Vivek khandelwal wrote:

  this posts makes dating sound like rocket science..

  n yeah ...to a extent it is ..

  but then what bout the girl?

  ny comments

  Vivek khandelwals last blog post..Train No-2955

• At November 7, 2008, Paul wrote:

  Wow you notice even small detail scary. if i was that guy i was be extremely fidgety with someone checking out every small thing :).

  Was hoping for a better ending like the high-strung air of tension surrounding his being was because he noticed you checking him out . ;)

  I guess it was a business kind meeting cum date but as you didn't take any pics on your phone we just wouldn't know.

  Pauls last blog post..The lady and the holy cow

• At November 7, 2008, A Cynic in Wonderland wrote:

  it was probabaly an arranged marriage meeting! what you think?

  A Cynic in Wonderlands last blog post..The Journal

• At November 7, 2008, Adithya wrote:

  Eggjacktly!...I am with cynic. Sounds like one!

  Adithyas last blog post..Best Duets

• At November 10, 2008, Dreamcatcher wrote:

  :) Could they have been old friends meeting after a long time (guy has crush on girl)?

  Dreamcatchers last idea:

• At November 10, 2008, Arpz wrote:

  its nice. to be alone for sometime, to stay silent and watch, rather than have to speak and perform.

  :)

  Arpzs last idea: being back

• At November 10, 2008, Brad wrote:

  Errr...How come you were not with a book? And the couple wrote a blog post somewhere about thin, tall girl stalking the duo. :twisted:

• At November 11, 2008, IdeaSmith wrote:

  @ Sumant: Taken care of! Thanks for the tip!

  @ Vivek khandelwal: LOL. The story ended when I walked out of the restaurant and into other stories.

  @ Paul: I don't think it was a business meeting. It had a more social feel to it. And photographs...errm, I was already being a little intrusive as it was.

  @ Cynic: Haanji, I never thought of that!

  @ Dreamcatcher: Could be but I rather like Cynic's explanation better. :-)

  @ Brad: I never go anywhere without my book. This time it was a notebook. ;-)

• At November 11, 2008, Brad wrote:

  Aaaah...I just jumbled the words and made a spelling error :- How come you were - with a - not'e' - book? :razz:

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Ah, the flush of new love!

And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense
Of my aching heart
If I could just be
Everything and everyone to you
This life would just be so easy

Not enough time for all
That I want for you

- INXS ‘Not enough time’

I remember it from a long time ago, a lifetime ago. I recognize it in the faces of strangers, in the anonymous words I read on my computer screen. In the poised-and-posed expressions on painted actors on screen, I read the yearning that was fed into a writer’s mind to create this.

After the pain has subsided, long after when you reach that place of not hurting anymore and past the cynicism, the despair and the feeling that you’ll never love again….what is there at the end of it? It is this…

The thought that love may never again be the raging forest fire that it once (or twice or more) was. But the burning defined you in a way that you’ll never again be the same. And the only thing that can come next is peace. Absolute peace. And there’s all the time in the world.

Love truly is a hue that taints us forever. And in the middle of a hot November afternoon, there’s a cool breeze blowing across my forehead.

7 Comments

• At November 2, 2008, Ashish wrote:

  Solitude is the best friend in such situations! great post!! :smile: BTW i think Afterglow is the best of INXS

• At November 3, 2008, Saumil wrote:

  For me that means those teenage hormones are finally behaving ;) and we are entering that part of our life where a more meaningful relationship is in the works a relationship not based on looks alone.

  Saumils last blog post..The Prithvi Theatre Festival 6th November 2008

• At November 3, 2008, Dreamcatcher wrote:

  :) Lovely one really.

  Dreamcatchers last blog post..

• At November 6, 2008, IdeaSmith wrote:

  @ Ashish: :cool: I like it too.

  @ Saumil: Ah, only time will tell what the future has in store for us.

  @ Dreamcatcher: You and I must talk sometime. :smile:

• At November 12, 2008, Ms Taggart wrote:

  Awesome post... it was like someone was echoing my thoughts on love! :)

  Though, I fall under the category of the lucky ones who found love again, and still in love!

  Ms Taggarts last idea: End of an era...

• At November 12, 2008, Ms Taggart wrote:

  Awesome post... too good! :)

  Ms Taggarts last idea: End of an era...

• At November 12, 2008, Ms Taggart wrote:

  Awesome post... it was like someone was echoing my thoughts on love! :)

  Though, I fall under the category of the lucky ones who found love again, and still in love!

  Ms Taggarts last idea: End of an era...

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