The Idea-smithy

After this, another string of random thoughts on breaking up and the afterlife.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

You watch them speak to and of the one they love.
And think, unflinchingly, that they don’t speak to or of you that way.
The only part that hurts is the realisation that they once used to.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

When you cannot remember what you were thinking or how you could ever have made that decision and conclude that you were a completely different person then- that’s when you know that you’re completely over them.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Sometimes getting over someone or something is giving yourself permission to be happy.
At other times it’s letting go of the luxury of being sad.
And occasionally, it’s just realizing that you are bored of misery.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

You talk about forgiving and forgetting like one follows the other
And some people say that they can forgive but never forget
But in my mind, that’s still vendetta since the memory stays alive and hurtful
I’d much rather forget, even if not forgive
At least life can go on unbound by a straining bond

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I am not sorry that you are sad I’m no longer a part of your life
You must be punished for the crime of having hurt me, after all
But I’m just sorry that it all still matters to me
Probably even more than my absence matters to you.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Love is the experience of a person, but also emotions, places, mementos and other people. Being okay with the person is just the first step and not even the easiest one at that. Complete closure is when the entire world that you’ve built and shared with the person starts to feel alright again. It is when, finally…

Friends don’t walk on eggshells around you. Friends aren’t unsure of how to behave with both of you.
Houses, roads, parks and shops don’t make you catch your breath because you were there with them once.
It doesn’t feel ‘wrong’ to be at a certain restaurant with someone else.
Watching a romantic movie or hearing such a song doesn’t send you down a trip of nostalgia.
And you don’t feel guilty about a gift because you’ve gifted someone else the same thing before.

But then, by that premise, there is no such a thing as complete closure. Love is a color that taints you forever.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

If you don’t care anymore whether they love you or not, perhaps you never really did.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Fear of loneliness is a good enough reason for a relationship, even if it isn’t a noble one. At least half the relationships around are founded on it and survive quite well.

Sheer habit is another such. What’s wrong with being in a rut? Some people call it stability.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Lack of excitement is a good enough reason for a break-up.
So is lack of commitment.
Far more than lack of love.

For love may be the name we give the ride, but excitement is the fuel and commitment is the nuts-and-bolts that holds the carriage together. And we all know what happens when you try going anywhere without fuel or in a cart that falls apart.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The experience of being loved is really as moving, if not more, than the act of loving.
So believe it or not, no matter how unfair it all was, there is justice in the end.
And they will probably miss you far more than you will miss them, when this is done.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Sometimes a person can do you a great service by not letting you fall in love with them because they think you deserve better.
Even if you disagree, if that’s what they think, they are probably right.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

You have the right to be as miserable for as long as you want.
The grave stupidity has already been committed when you fell in love anyway.
Why feel ashamed now?

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Cheating and lying are unpardonable.
And it is divine to forgive, a sign of shining, enlightening love.
But no one said you had to be a superhero.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Breaking up can make you feel unlovable, like you were never really loved after all.
But there are many reasons to not love a person.
Duty, ego, fear, indifference, commitment-phobia, emotional detachment.
All of them realistic and logical, none deeply noble.

And there can be only one reason to love a person.
Because you do, that’s all.
That’s neither logical nor noble.
But yes, it is wonderful.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Some of us hold on simply to assure ourselves that we were really, truly, honest-to-goodness, till-death-do-us-apart, irrevocably, madly, fiercely in love.

Perseverance is more important than happiness to some. And ah, how hard we try!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

If you tried and the other didn’t, consider that a gift offered wasn’t accepted. Whose loss is that?

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
But you can’t fish anymore if the last one reeled you in hook, line and sinker.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

When it comes down to it, no one is indispensable. If they had been, your lungs would have been attached to their nostrils and your stomach, to their food pipe. That’s a far more practical apparatus.

A lover cannot have been a Siamese twin. And vice versa.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Oddly enough, the very things that attracted you to each other in the first place are the biggest reasons for your breaking up.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Part of mourning the death of the relationship is grieving the loss of their affection for you.
The other part is grieving the loss of your affection for them.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

 

Some random things that have drifted across my mind recently:

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

We spend our lives looking for something that will matter so much to us,
that we can’t live without it
Then when we find it,
we run away to practise living without it.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Do you ever have a moment when you realise that someone genuinely cares for you
And you wonder, “WHY?”
Being loved is almost as moving an experience as loving someone
Sometimes it’s slightly spooky and occasionally downright scary
…coming face to face with those aspects of yourself that are deserving of love.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Each time you hurt me
I flee and hide
Nursing my wounds and wondering why you keep hurting me

And then I come back to you
In the hope that this time, you’ll heal me instead.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

You don’t need to own a person to be able to love them
You don’t need to be in a relationship with them, don’t need to have them reciprocate
You don’t even actually need them to be actively a part of your life
All you need is to be happy that the person exists
Not indifferent, not indulgent but actively pleased, gratified by the thought
If the thought of the person puts a smile on your face, that can erase all the unpleasant memories they’ve created…
That’s love, that’s love enough, that’s enough really.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Earlier in the week, I inadvertently said something funny and intelligent (only I can’t remember it now). And someone in the room said,

Will you marry me?

I dimpled when someone told my proposer,

You’re already married….to a great man!!!!!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

On the weekend, I saw my dear friend. And she looked mesmerizing. She was always a pretty girl. Nicely-dressed too. But last evening, she was positively shimmering. Suddenly I just knew that she was very beautiful. Like her very skin was aglow with her deeply spiritual self, her eyes dancing with the sweet, uncynical wisdom I’ve come to associate with her. Didn’t someone say “We don’t love people because they’re beautiful but they seem beautiful to us because we love them.”? Then when I told her for the fifteenth time that she looked gorgeous, she beamed back and eyes twinkling, asked,

Are you having a crush on me?

I declared,

YES!

And again, for a brief moment, I wondered why my normally easy-to-agitation self was so complacent, unperturbed over something that seems to disturb most people.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

From a movie I saw on the weekend,

You can have both roots and wings.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Sometimes truly loving a person means letting them believe that they care about you more than you care about them. Everybody needs to be loved but some people can’t bear to be reminded of it.