The Idea-smithy

The only way to be generous when you care,
 is to be ruthless when you don’t.

Sunday afternoon screening of Choti si baat. Associations aplenty.

(more…)

Move over politicos, stock markets and temperatures…the queen of the media makes news again!

After another day spent panicking over the state of ‘the common man’ following the antics of our local politico-goons, Mumbai really must be back to normal if the news is any indication. Let’s check out what India TV thinks is big news today.

Rakhi Sawant slaps her boyfriend!!!

This comes on the heels of the very well-covered incident where Rakhi Sawant threw her boyfriend Abhishek Awasti out of their house and cried “BREAK-UP!”. I didn’t catch that on TV since everyone else was hogging the box for such mundane things as rioting, violence on the streets and politicians getting arrested. Fikar not, Rakhi gives me my time’s worth with today’s lunch news though.

Yesterday someone nudged me and told me that my favorite melodrama queen had broken up. I hastened to get in touch with the queen of desi bloggydom who reassured me that it was just a tiff and things should soon tide over. True to her word, Rakhi gives us some more entertainment (oops…news) today, which leads me to the conclusions that all queens have a soul connection with each other.

(Okay, I couldn’t find any good photographs of the event on the internet, so these are my own pathetic attempts. Used my camera-phone to shoot the TV so apologies in advance for the appalling photography…)

So we watch as the errant boyfriend (what exactly did he do to get her to scream?) goes down on bended knee and eats humble pie several times over. We ooh as he gets his mug punched over the obscenely huge bouquet of red roses….atta, girl Rakhi!!!

 Then he’s made to say “I love you” and promise never ever ever to hurt her again in English, Marathi (aayeechi shapath!) and Hindi. Reporters fall over each other and there’s much giggling, shoving, nudging and sniffling (?) to be heard while we’re told what’s big news on national TV…ooops India TV.

The heart almost aches for the boy. But that’s the price of being Mr.DramaQueen. Truly,

Is thapad ki goonj usse desh ke kone kone tak sunaai di!!

Caring:

a.	an inclination, liking, fondness, or affection.

take care of,

a.	to watch over; be responsible for.

b.	to act on; deal with; attend to.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Control:

a.	the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another.

to control:

a.	to exercise authoritative or dominating influence over.

b.	to hold in restraint; check.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~ 

Where’s the confusion?

It was a wise man who asked, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
While searching for a suitable image for this post, I came across this. It’s a tad too religious for me but the truth is where you find it, isn’t it?

I was a stranger and you invited me in
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink
But when you asked for something in return -
to be paid with my freedom, my spirit,
You know why I had to turn and walk back into the desert

I’d rather be hungry than imprisoned.

No one hears the sound of heartbreak because hearts don’t break.

They melt away, little by little,
In the fires of

Passion
Anger
Envy
Desire
Longing
………
and love.

Same difference. No one knows, no one cares.
So long as there’s enough left to keep your blood running and the fires burning.

After this, another string of random thoughts on breaking up and the afterlife.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

You watch them speak to and of the one they love.
And think, unflinchingly, that they don’t speak to or of you that way.
The only part that hurts is the realisation that they once used to.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

When you cannot remember what you were thinking or how you could ever have made that decision and conclude that you were a completely different person then- that’s when you know that you’re completely over them.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Sometimes getting over someone or something is giving yourself permission to be happy.
At other times it’s letting go of the luxury of being sad.
And occasionally, it’s just realizing that you are bored of misery.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

You talk about forgiving and forgetting like one follows the other
And some people say that they can forgive but never forget
But in my mind, that’s still vendetta since the memory stays alive and hurtful
I’d much rather forget, even if not forgive
At least life can go on unbound by a straining bond

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I am not sorry that you are sad I’m no longer a part of your life
You must be punished for the crime of having hurt me, after all
But I’m just sorry that it all still matters to me
Probably even more than my absence matters to you.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Love is the experience of a person, but also emotions, places, mementos and other people. Being okay with the person is just the first step and not even the easiest one at that. Complete closure is when the entire world that you’ve built and shared with the person starts to feel alright again. It is when, finally…

Friends don’t walk on eggshells around you. Friends aren’t unsure of how to behave with both of you.
Houses, roads, parks and shops don’t make you catch your breath because you were there with them once.
It doesn’t feel ‘wrong’ to be at a certain restaurant with someone else.
Watching a romantic movie or hearing such a song doesn’t send you down a trip of nostalgia.
And you don’t feel guilty about a gift because you’ve gifted someone else the same thing before.

But then, by that premise, there is no such a thing as complete closure. Love is a color that taints you forever.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

If you don’t care anymore whether they love you or not, perhaps you never really did.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Fear of loneliness is a good enough reason for a relationship, even if it isn’t a noble one. At least half the relationships around are founded on it and survive quite well.

Sheer habit is another such. What’s wrong with being in a rut? Some people call it stability.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Lack of excitement is a good enough reason for a break-up.
So is lack of commitment.
Far more than lack of love.

For love may be the name we give the ride, but excitement is the fuel and commitment is the nuts-and-bolts that holds the carriage together. And we all know what happens when you try going anywhere without fuel or in a cart that falls apart.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The experience of being loved is really as moving, if not more, than the act of loving.
So believe it or not, no matter how unfair it all was, there is justice in the end.
And they will probably miss you far more than you will miss them, when this is done.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Sometimes a person can do you a great service by not letting you fall in love with them because they think you deserve better.
Even if you disagree, if that’s what they think, they are probably right.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

You have the right to be as miserable for as long as you want.
The grave stupidity has already been committed when you fell in love anyway.
Why feel ashamed now?

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Cheating and lying are unpardonable.
And it is divine to forgive, a sign of shining, enlightening love.
But no one said you had to be a superhero.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Breaking up can make you feel unlovable, like you were never really loved after all.
But there are many reasons to not love a person.
Duty, ego, fear, indifference, commitment-phobia, emotional detachment.
All of them realistic and logical, none deeply noble.

And there can be only one reason to love a person.
Because you do, that’s all.
That’s neither logical nor noble.
But yes, it is wonderful.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Some of us hold on simply to assure ourselves that we were really, truly, honest-to-goodness, till-death-do-us-apart, irrevocably, madly, fiercely in love.

Perseverance is more important than happiness to some. And ah, how hard we try!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

If you tried and the other didn’t, consider that a gift offered wasn’t accepted. Whose loss is that?

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
But you can’t fish anymore if the last one reeled you in hook, line and sinker.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

When it comes down to it, no one is indispensable. If they had been, your lungs would have been attached to their nostrils and your stomach, to their food pipe. That’s a far more practical apparatus.

A lover cannot have been a Siamese twin. And vice versa.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Oddly enough, the very things that attracted you to each other in the first place are the biggest reasons for your breaking up.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Part of mourning the death of the relationship is grieving the loss of their affection for you.
The other part is grieving the loss of your affection for them.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The otherself was on the phone.
Best Friend was entertaining…and trying, successfully almost, to be entertained.
Astra opened her eyes from the earth-healing meditation and hugged her mother.
Precious was in deep slumber…one hopes.
All was as always with the soul-family.

The pater and mater were hugging the alter-pater and alter-mater at the airport.
The photo-negative was muttering a silent plea.
The villians were smiling at their families.
The eternal love was kissing his wife happy new year and saying hello to the big Three-O.
The cast was in their places, ready on cue.

Preacher was admiring the stars (human and astral).
The child was grinning from ear to ear and counting down 7…5….4….6…3…..
Shooting star was watching the fireworks with a sinking feeling in the stomach.
The badgers stood firm, feet planted on the ground, ready as ever.
The peripheral was intact and the circle complete.

A hundred little bubbles were bursting inside her head
While tiny light-bulb filaments flared and sizzled out inside his
As the grey-white filaments of air swirled around them
Each of them donned their party-hats and hung on the matching accessories -
Brilliance, exuberance, cheer and a wide smile.

Home was waiting and watching
An eternity, a lifetime, a constellation away
While the blue-green planet turned another revolution around Sol.
I smiled back.

Had a thought - a few actually - in the last fortnight, that I haven’t had a chance to put down.

I saw this movie and thought,

I see ghosts too. They hurt me sometimes. They talk to me. They walk around like everyone else. They are the ghosts of my past.

And then perhaps, as with Cole, my ghosts wanted to tell me something as well and it might make sense to listen.

Last weekend, I spoke to my best friend about him. Not in anger, not in pain but an unemotional reflective way, ending with,

You know, I think he must be thinking of me.

And then, in another conversation, was ressurected the spirit of someone who was once as dear as no one else has ever been and I ended that remisiniscence as always with,

I’ve never run away from anyone’s love like that. But then again, no one has ever loved me as much. I always wonder if somewhere deep down, even in me, lies the capacity for all-encompassing, womb-like comforting, parasitic, suffocating devotion. I’m a Cancerian as well after all. And I’ve always had a strange relationship with other Cancerians.

And then, during the week, seemingly after deciding in an idle moment to ‘talk’ to my ghosts, they came knocking on my door. His hello comes back like the years in between never happened. And her voice had the same warmth like my goodbye had not ever been said either.

My breath stuck in my throat at both times. And once I learnt to breathe again, I spoke to them. But they’ve both vanished. Odd, isn’t it? Like the only thing each of my ghosts had to say to me was,

Don’t be afraid of me.

Incidently, the most memorable scene in the movie (in my mind) is the one where Cole has his first encounter with a ghost that he doesn’t run away from. Sitting quietly in his little tent, as his breath starts to hang in the air and the clips overhead snap off, his eyes race down to find a little girl sitting in front of him. And in her eyes….there is only pain. So much of it.

How can one run away from someone in even more pain than oneself? And yet, we do.

Meet me on the other side of the moon
And walk in shadows with me
It won’t be all dark
You put a gleam in my eyes
That will lead the way for a stroll into madness

I’ll take you right up to the edge, walking blind
But just on the brink,
I promise to tell you
And let you decide
Whether to take a step farther or not

And if the decision to walk be yours,
I’ll fall through the night with you
Into an everlasting sea of silver light
Till one day, the man in the moon watching another couple take a stroll together
Smiles…and one of them hears it…and smiles back
At him. At you.

But know also that,
If then, you deter
You will find yourself alone in the lightless shadows
To make your way back alone
I won’t return to show you the way
And - what’s more - you’ll never see the gleam in my eyes again ever

I’ll have forever one way or the other.

Poison,
Was laced into
The first glass of sweet wine you offered me

Since then even water tastes like fire

From betrayal is born vindictiveness
And for those of us who never forget
It is akin to the demon child born of a mortal womb

You will always be the poison in my sweet wine